Story Telling

Overwhelmed by consumption, I placed myself beyond human aid. Feeling remorseful for events that happened just days earlier, I could still taste Budweiser, cocaine and cigarettes with every breathe that passed through nostrils. By that point sweating it out was all that mattered. My daughter was small, and we were by ourselves. I hadn’t spoken to her in what felt like years. Deep down I knew she missed me. I quickly packed a few things for us to take a drive. “Mommy where are we going?” she asked curiously. “Up the mountain babe.” I replied. It was mid morning, and we had a few hours of daylight left, in my restless condition, I needed to leave immediately. Once we reached the dirt road and headed away from town, a sudden vale of calm came over me. We listened to music and sang aloud, not knowing all the words. Every now and then I caught a glimpse of my daughters deep brown eyes, and seen her for the first time. The light in her face instantly filled my soul. I held back the tears and swallowed hard, then swiftly looked away. As her comfort level grew she began telling me stories about how she experienced the world. I was intrigued and captivated by how much she had grown in such a short period of time, her intellect suited mine and we gut laughed for hours. The early January brisk wind carried over gracefully onto the trees. We approached a turn around spot, the road was narrow and the snow was high. I jumped out of my truck, and took a look around. Chills accompanied with goosebumps wrapped my detoxing skin. With a deep breathe, I made friends with the cold. I then chose to turn my vehicle around, and sunk directly into a ski-doo trail. “For fuck sakes, not now, not fucking now...” I said to myself with a tightened jaw. I got out to the have a closer look at the back tires. Sure enough, my truck was about 2 feet deep in powder snow. Panic set in, my heart raced violently, hot blood instantly permeated my ears. I was pissed. “Wait, Emily is sitting in the truck, don’t let her see you panic, don’t scare her”, I thought to myself with clenched fists. Another 3 deep breathes passed heavily through my lungs. “Get digging” I said in low relaxed tone. As the afternoon carried on, my hands we were numb and feet ached with prickly pain from the wet snow. My clothes were drenched and I was becoming desperate to get back on the road before night fall. Each attempt I made to get out resulted in my truck sinking deeper, the smell of burning rubber and exhaust seeped into my pores. Darkness fell. The only noise I could hear was heavy snow falling from the tree branches, and the quiet idle of my little truck. My daughter remained calm, her sweet face poked out the back window and she asked me softly “ Mommy, when are we going home?” “ I’m doing the best I can babe, close the window, I’ll be right in okay.” I lit a cigarette and was trembling from head to toe. I wasn’t afraid. The stars and moon shown down on me and lit the forest with an ultra violet blue hue. I flicked my cigarette butt, and starred hard at the night sky. With my hands in the air I yelled with every ounce of strength I had left. “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!” In a matter of moments, a gentle voice said “ Get naked, you’re staying the night” I chuckled to myself and hopped in the front seat. Still shaking, I began stripping every piece of clothing I had on, with the heat blasting I hung my gear along the dash board and rear view mirror. My little girl sat beside me quietly with a puzzled look on her face. She didn’t say anything for quite a while. Then finally asked “Mommy, why are you naked?” I replied with chattering teeth, “My clothes are completely soaked babe, I’ll freeze if I don’t get dry, we gotta stay here tonight, we are going to have to hike out in the morning”. “Okay mommy.” she agreed. The extended silence between us was lifted. “Mommy, I don’t want you to be naked anymore, here you go”. Emily passed her coat to me and I covered up without hesitation. Soon after I could feel my temperature stabilizing and I jumped in the back seat. Emily followed shortly after and sat beside me still very quiet. We sat together luminous by the pale moonlight. Before long we were laughing and telling one another funny stories. She spoke to me in long sentences, I never heard her talk that much before. A feeling in the middle of my ribs, just above my stomach, vibrated, I was nervous. I couldn’t fight the large tears that crowded my eyes, I let them fall from my cheeks and land on her small coat that still covered my naked body. “ My girl, ckin as’spa?us” (what’s in your heart?) She paused and turned away. I could tell she was thinking and needed a second to understand what I was asking. Her eyes were innocent and twinkled in pain. “ Mommy, I miss you so much. I don’t like the way you leave me. I know you drink beer and get drunk, I’m sad inside my heart, I wish you didn’t get drunk”. Time stood still, and there was no denying I was right where I suppose to be. Her truth arrived without any filters, or mind altering substances, there was no where to run and no where to hide. I was completely sober and naked. “ You’re right my girl, mommy gets drunk, and I leave you, because my heart hurts too”. I placed my hands around her small smooth face. “Look at me, I’m going to do everything I can to walk a good path from now on, its not your fault, and I love you every single day, no matter what. I’m sorry for hurting you, I didn’t mean to, you’re the most awesome person I know. And limlimt for telling mommy the truth.” Time continued to pass and my clothes were finally dry. I quickly got dressed, and made a bed in the back seat. I held Emily close. And brushed the hair away from her forehead. “Mommy, I just want you to sing that sqilxw song”. She requested with sincerity. I sang gently by her tiny ear, and at the same time listened to her whisper with the harmony. Again, tears streamed down my cheeks, I could hardly believe she still remembered that song, I hadn’t spoken to her in the language or sang in months. We were up just before sun rise. With what little provisions we had, I packed my bag. It was time for us to head out “Okay babe, lets roll, we gotta leave the truck behind”. I could hear her tiny boots crunching the snow with every step she took. “Mommy look!” she stopped suddenly and pointed to the ground. “Kitty feet... that’s a big kitty”. Jagged chills ran up my spine and the hairs on my neck felt like hard thorns sticking to my collar. I stood above her, and studied the large tracks beside her feet. The night before we had taken several bathroom breaks fairly close to the truck. The tracks went in and out of treeline several times. The big cougar was only interested in Emily’s scent. I knew it was a cougar because in the middle of it’s foot prints, I could see where its long tail had brushed along the snow. Based on how fresh these tracks were, my heart pounded fiercely against the inside of my coat. I quietly asked again “ What do you want me to do?” and without hesitation I looked at my daughter and told her very firmly. “ I need you to be brave, we are going to walk for a long time before we can get help with the truck. It’s going to be cold, and you will get tired, I’m going to carry you most of the way. Emily, you cannot cry out here.” “ But why can’t I cry mommy?” “Because babe, it’s not safe, I don’t want to attract any animals, there’s nothing be afraid of, I just need you to know, there’s no crying okay.” “ Okay mommy, I’ll be brave and I won’t cry”, she responded with certainty in voice. Our journey began. Although I had driven this road many times and knew my way around well, everything seemed different. My runners trudged on top of the frozen trail with out sinking in and I was grateful it hadn’t snowed the night before. The sky was grey with low feather tipped clouds, the sharp brisk air was calm. With Emily on my back, I did everything I could to keep her entertained. She asked me a lot of questions about what our life was like when she was a baby. “I miss the good old days mommy”. I laughed hard, “ Yeah me too babe.” About 10 kilometers away from the truck Emily was starting to get restless. “My feet are really cold they are starting to hurt.” she said aloud in pain. I set her down, and sat on my backpack. “Face me, and sit on my legs and give me your feet.” I told her. I took her boots and socks off then placed her feet on my bare stomach. I rubbed her legs and held her hands. With absolute trust Emily held me in return and smiled. “Tell me when you feel warm babe.” I rocked her, again holding her close, she smelt like lavender baby lotion. Once she was warm, I gave her my long sleeve shirt and my socks. The high noon sun spread brightly across the frozen land. Emily had fallen asleep on my back, she was much heavier than before and her chin was digging into my shoulder. Her tiny body kept me warm. My eyes watered after strong gusts of wind blew icy snow onto my face. As I grew tired, cold and hungry, the clear blue sky reminded me to stay hopeful. I kept a watchful eye on the tree line, and stopped to listen carefully to my surroundings. My mind was quiet, I was still calm and oddly collected. By the time Emily was awake, I had walked 14 kilometers with her on my back. “Mommy are we almost there?” she asked. “Not really babe, we still got a ways to go. Maybe 2 or 3 hours.” Suddenly... “Shhhh” I said. “What is it mommy?” “ Shhh” I said again. “ Listen...” I turned my attention to the road ahead and heard the faint sound of a power saw. “Can you hear that?” I whispered. “No I can’t hear anything mommy, what is it?” “ That’s a chainsaw babe, we gotta try to catch up to those people”. “Do we have to run mommy?” Emily asked. “No I can’t run Emily, its too far away and I’ll sweat, if I sweat I’ll freeze, I could get pneumonia, I’m no good to you sick. I’m just going to walk a bit faster but we can’t take anymore breaks, so hold on tight.” I replied calmly. I fastened her short legs with my arms and picked up speed, sure enough the sound became louder. I let out a piercing whistle with no response from the operator. We were close enough I could hear voices, but couldn’t see them. I whistled hard. Emily stood beside me, I could tell she was impressed. “Mommy show me how to do that, I didn’t know you could do that, Mommy can I try, do it again.” she said with excitement in her tiny voice. “HELLLOOOOO!” I yelled with all my gut. In the distance I could tell there were three men, finally I caught ones attention. “HELLOOO!” A very large voice replied. “I NEED YOUR HELP!” I called. “WAIT THERE, WE ARE COMING!” The man replied with reassurance. “Are they coming to help us?” Emily asked. “Yea kid lets just wait here.” I said tiredly. A loud diesel truck approached us. There was a large man, wearing a camouflage coat and black tuque, sitting in the drivers seat. His passenger was dressed similar and had a large messy beard. They had kind features, and I wasn’t threatened by their presence. “Are you okay?” the driver asked kindly. “My truck is about 24 clicks up, we stayed the night and this is as far as we made it.” I said with a heavy breathe. “Seriously? Just you two? Whoa, that’s kinda scary”, the passenger expressed. “Why are you out here?”, the driver asked. “I been coming out here all my life, I’m not lost, just stuck.” I explained. “Well get in and warm up.” the driver insisted. My daughter jumped in first. As I thawed out from the heat, sudden pain came rushing throughout my entire body. My feet were swollen, sore and frozen. I could barley feel my face, and my arms were weak. My back was unusually stiff, and sitting upright wasn’t as comfortable as I hoped it would be. We were each handed granola bars and bananas. I never seen Emily eat that fast, and as soon as she was done, she wanted my share. Without delay, I handed over my food. “We’re going to help you get your truck out, we gotta load up this wood before we go okay, you girls hang out here and we won’t be long.” As soon as I felt at ease, I dozed off and awoke when I heard the door slam shut. Emily perked up and began chatting with the driver. “ This is a long way from town, why did you come out this far, it’s not everyday we run into a couple of girls hiking out”, the passenger pried. “ I guess I just needed a subtle reminder of what matters most”, I replied gazing at Emily. I participated in small talk with the kind gentleman, and returned to a comfortable silence not long after. Once we were near my abandoned vehicle, I advised the driver it would be best to head in reverse the rest of the way considering the position of my truck and how narrow the road was. Soon enough my small Dodge Dakoda was pulled from the deep snow. I followed closely behind our rescuers. When the road widened I parked beside the large diesel. “ Thank you guys so much, it means a lot”, I said clearly. “ I cannot stress enough how lucky you are, next time turn around sooner hey, haha someone’s looking out for you, that’s for damn sure”, the driver said in a friendly tone. “ Taker easy Krystal with a “K” ”, the passenger said with a gentle grin. The familiar road reminded me of Oreo cookie centers, imprinted by our tire treads it was smooth sailing. “ Yay mommy! I’m going to watch a DVD come true when we get home”, Emily said happily. As the trees swiftly passed by, I couldn’t help but reflect on what happened the night before. There were no tears of dismay or guilt, I left it all behind and let the land take care of it. I was steady the whole way home and smiled, glancing at Emily as she peacefully starred out her window. I knew there was no going back to the person I was before. Absolute certainty caressed my inner being, this wasn’t going to be easy, only worth it. Uplifting acceptance, put forth the courage in me to face my part in what caused my daughters heart to ache. Walking a good path means sticking to my commitments and to live the amends, because I am ready. From that night on, I am deeply honored to have had the opportunity keep my word. To my beautiful daughter, I will do everything I can to walk a good path, I love you every single day no matter what, you are the most awesome person I know, limlimt for telling mommy the truth. Thanks for reading Always in friendship Krystal Withakay

“ I’ve got about a year if that left Bonesy”, you said holding my face gently. “ Are you scared muma?” I asked while my voice trembled. “ No, I’m okay with it. I am worried about you, don’t be thinking you can get all wild and crazy when I’m gone, you worked too hard, and I am so so proud of you everyday, for the beautiful Okanagan woman you are, for all you have achieved and what kind of mother you are, I’m not going too far, you go up to mountains for me, have fun and behave yourself for fuck-sakes” There isn’t anything I could have done to prepare myself for the conversation we had about you leaving this world. Moons have passed and seasons gone by. Some say time heals all. In this case, the more time that passes, the more I miss you, the more it hurts. Forgive me for being so lost, I wish my tolerance for tragedy was as great as yours. The first few moons without you were excruciating. Onward, I am exhausted, miserable and down. Wrestling grief and fighting tears has changed me. On a good day, my chest aches, my ribs feel raw and simple joys are distant companions. I think of you often. The darkness we battled together lingers under my puffy eyes, I still prefer to be alone. The moons passed certainly haven’t brought out the best in me. I became a sad-sack muma, and I couldn’t promise you I wouldn’t fall apart. We were always close and you knew how hard I would struggle, you knew me well, and loved me in every way. That night, you gazed into my eyes for a long time, following each movement I made, I didn’t cry, our hearts were steady, I kissed your forehead, we held each other hands with bravery, until you were called upon and I let go. I love you so much and I miss you all the time my sweet muma. More than anything I know who I was with you, its time to learn how to be okay without you. I know you’re still around because you show me all time. It doesn’t hurt any less. Thank you for letting me know your happy... it helps. As more moons pass, I will seek adventure and comfort in good things. I won’t give up no matter the weather. I can keep doing my best to make you proud and I will find a way to be well again. While I wish we had another moon of togetherness, you’re never gone, just different. way’ P.S. You were always hip, a solid “G” Love Bonesy